Oh, bad days. I don’t like them. But they tend to come around every so often. With them comes a roller coaster of emotions, including but not limited to fear, frustration, anger, words uncalled-for, and tears. I hate to play into stereotypes and say its because I’m a woman. Yet, I’ve got some crazy hormones that seem to be out of my control. Along with slight tendencies of depression and anxiety, it doesn’t make for a good time. Is it just me, or are there some days when you just need a good cry to clear all the negative out of your system?
That was me this past week. And poor, poor husband for having to bare with me.
He can’t just bail when times get tough. I mean, I guess he could. But, thankfully he doesn’t. Our marriage is a lifelong covenant full of unconditional love. And I need that.
My problems had piled up so high that I couldn’t see past them any longer. I specifically used the word “stuck” as I painfully described my scenario to Chris with spite and resentment. Wallowing in sorrow. In a woe-is-me kind of way.
After allowing words, which I instantly regretted, to roll off my tongue, I knew all I could do in that moment, feeling hopeless, was cause more damage. I needed alone time.
Time in my closet to let the tears stream down my face as I considered the weeks events. The tears washed away the feelings of despair and hatred I had built up in my heart due to jealousy and comparison, because I didn’t have what she did or get to do what they got to do. Tears washed away the sadness and self-pity of not being good enough or not having as many friends as I want. My tears let out the guilt and sorrow of yelling at the one I loved and taking for granted all the blessing I’d been given.
I’m a cynic and I focus on the negative. It’s my melancholy personality, my not wanting to get too close to someone or something out of fear that I will lose it, my not wanting to become too delighted over things that someone else will disapprove and steal my joy.
I pick out the negative in my situations, yet I find the pleasure in everyone else’s. it’s such a cliche, but definitely a “grass is greener” type attitude.
Lying amongst the shadows if my closet wishing I were someone else, or some where else, doing something else, God met me there. He whispered to my heart, “Sara, that wouldn’t make you happy either.”
And I knew it was true.
God pointed out that in every circumstance I’ve been through, in every job that I’ve had, in every country that I’ve lived…there was always something I didn’t like. That person to complain about, or that inconvenience, or that lack of something that I thought I needed.
My problem wasn’t that I didn’t have, it was that I’m generally discontent.
When the new wears off and no longer satisfies, I seek out the next big thing to fulfill my soul. And it’s a constant struggle….yearning for something more, for something better. But it’s a never ending struggle, a losing battle, because nothing will ever meet that need outside of Jesus Christ.
And all the crap that I use to temporarily fill the void, soon it’s luxuries fade away. Then I’m left to wallow in my hopeless woe-is-me mindset. Forgetting what God has done for me, forgetting who He has put in my life, forgetting the ministry that is right in front of me to live every day.
When I forget that Christ is my all, I lose hope. I hurt the ones I love. I lose myself and my mission.
The fact that life can flash before my eyes in this manner during a time span of about 15 minutes hiding in the back of my closet astounds me. The way God patiently and tenderly tells me the truth after I’ve lashed out at him, that humbles me. The way my husband takes me in his arms and accepts my apology even though I’ve treated him like poo, amazes me. I want to love like that.
Contentment is not easy to strive for. Paul knew this as well. He writes in Philippians 4 that we should work to be content in all circumstances, whether we have much or have little. And he continues on to state that we can’t do this in our own power, but that we can do all things through the power of God!
I’m going to work on this one, being content. Looking at blessings, instead of curses. Acknowledging that when I strive for this in my own power, I fail…and end up in the closet.
Also realizing tears aren’t always bad. The tears surrender control back to God, admit that I don’t have life all together, and release it all to begin a new day.
When I have a bad day, God doesn’t turn his back. He steps in when I least expect to help me through.